Posted by
Bull 67 on Sunday, July 13, 2008 11:46:22 PM
The following is complete fiction (duh!)
Come with me as we travel back to that bizarre alternate universe where anything can happen. In this parallel dimension we find Senators McCain and Obama in their first televised debate, sometime this September.
(The picture brightens, showing a packed auditorium and a panel of media questioners. A flashy CNN logo scrolls across the screen with “Decision 2008” and a very serious theme song.)
CANDY CROWLY: Welcome back to the first of 8,234 televised presidential debates before the November election. We only have 5 minutes left. For the past 55 minutes both of you have talked about how much you admire Senator McCain’s military service and which of your campaign lackeys should apologize for various public statements. Unfortunately, we only have time for one more question, one which actually will touch on a legitimate issue.
Senator McCain, Americans are paying on average $10.50 for a gallon of gas, the airlines are out of business, GM has been bought by the Chinese, and the dollar is worth less than Monopoly money. Senator, what is your plan to address America’s future energy needs?
(Senator McCain wiggles his stiff arm and looks for a teleprompter. Unable to find one he stutters and begins to talk.)
MCCAIN: I think we need to drill and, uh…drill now. I am ready to reach across the aisle and work with the Democrats to open our coastal waters to ‘common sense’ oil exploration.
CANDY: What do you mean by ‘common sense’ exploration?
MCCAIN: Well, I don’t support drilling in ANWR. I also think we should keep some areas of our beautiful coasts pristine and untouched for future generations.
CANDY: What coastal areas do you refer to?
MCCAIN: Uh, well, a…California. I have assured my good friend Governator Schwarzenegger I won’t open his coast to any oil drilling. Other than California, the coasts should be wide open for solving America’s energy needs (coughs) ah...except for Florida.
CANDY: Excuse me? Did you say ‘except for Florida’?
MCCAIN: Ah, yes, we can’t take the chance of spoiling such a delicate and beautiful coastline in a state with so many wonderful moderate republicans. Without their vote I would not be here today.
CANDY: Are you telling the American people California and Florida are exempt from any off-shore drilling?
MCCAIN: Yes, but we have a great deal of other promising coastal areas for energy exploration. I pledge to open vast swaths of the east coast to meet our growing energy needs.
CANDY: What about the west coast?
MCCAIN: With the small exception of California and a few isolated environmentally sensitive locations, the entire west coast is open to exploration.
CANDY: Can you elaborate on where these isolated and sensitive locations are?
MCCAIN: Ahh, uhmm…Oregon and Washington. Oh, and Alaska.
CANDY: Senator McCain, is there ANYWHERE you would allow off-shore drilling?
MCCAIN: Candy, I’m not going to get into the nuts and bolts of energy policy here in this very limited forum. However, I will vastly expand exploration in areas already approved for exploration as well as 30 additional square feet off New Jersey. I also plan to initiate several programs to help oil companies keep production costs down. For example, I would start a guest worker program allowing oil companies to hire undocumented Children of God instead of whiny American citizens. We all know oil drilling is a dirty, dangerous business and Americans won’t do jobs like that anymore. My good friend Felipe Cauldron, the president of Mexico, has assured me he would be glad to provide us with plenty of workers.
(light applause)
CANDY: Thank you, Senator McCain. I think we all can agree you are only half as evil as most republicans. Senator Obama, before I let you reply to Senator McCain’s statement I just wanted to say how much we in the media love you. I love you, Senator Messiah…I mean Senator Obama. Now, I will give you twice as much time as allotted to the mildly evil maverick senator from Arizona.
OBAMA: First, I would like to once again thank Senator McCain for his service to our country in Vietnam. However, his mildly evil policies are just a continuation of the super evil policies of the Bush Administration. He doesn’t represent the change Americans are calling for. We can’t drill ourselves to energy independence anymore than we can breathe our way out of suffocation or eat our way out of starvation. If we started drilling right now it would take 130,000 years before the first drop of gas arrives at the pumps. We need real solutions, we need real alternatives. We need earth-friendly green energy. This is why I propose a new partnership with industry. Candy, this is why tonight, in this forum, I am unveiling my Green Solutions Plan for America.
(Obama pauses for dramatic effect while Candy and the rest of the media panel lean forward in girlish, giddy excitement.)
Fully funded, this plan will completely make America energy independent in 3 months and eliminate 3 trillion-trillion-trillion metric tons of carbon from the atmosphere overnight. It will also create world peace, help working mothers and soccer moms, get our troops out of Iraq, rebuild New Orleans, and create jobs for inner city youth.
CANDY: This is extraordinary! We love you! Please go on!
OBAMA: I will, minion. I’ve forged a strategic partnership with industry, specifically Monsters Incorporated, a truly ‘green’ initiative. Together, we will harness the clean energy of children’s laughter to power a future of change. Change we can believe in. Soon, every child in America will be giggling hysterically every night as big green monsters emerge from their closets to entertain and amuse them. Monsters with big footprints, not carbon footprints!
(Wild applause, women faint. Obama holds his hands up to shush the crowd.)
I know...(pauses to let the roar die down)…I know what many of you are thinking, not every child in America is fortunate enough to have a bedroom closet. That’s why I’m proposing the Klosets for Kids Act, providing closet doors to underprivileged children across this great country. During the Great Depression FDR said ‘a chicken in every pot.’ I say ‘a closet door in every project!’ For only 1.2 trillion dollars the government will manufacture closet doors in every influential democratic district in America.
(The camera pans to the audience standing and applauding. It focuses on two monsters enthusiastically clapping with the caption “Monsters Inc. employees James P. ‘Sully’ Sullivan and Mike Wazowski.” Mike is wiping a tear from his eye.)
If we act now we can be at the forefront of this exciting energy frontier. But it’s a frontier for everyone, not just a privileged few. If children of color produce as much laughter as white children, then monsters of color should be given the same opportunities as green monsters. Purple, black, blue monsters…it doesn’t matter, it’s all the same. I believe in a country where, one day, homosexual, transgendered, physically challenged, economically underprivileged, polka-dotted monsters will jump out of children’s closets to solve our energy needs. COME OUT OF THE CLOSET FOR THE CHILDREN! That’s the kind of America I want to live in! THAT’S CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN!
(Deafening applause and cheers. The camera pans to slug-like monster lightly clapping with caption “Roz, lesbian monster activist”)
OBAMA: My opponent, mildly evil Senator McCain, voted against Klosets for Kids last year unless it contained a clause stating 25% of all energy produced had to come from children’s screams.
(Boos.)
CANDY: Senator McCain, why do you hate children?
MCCAIN: (shuffles his notes and looks around for a teleprompter) I don’t hate children. In fact, I’ve reached across the aisle to work with monsters of all colors to solve our nation’s energy needs.
CANDY: So you deny it?
MCCAIN: I deny nothing. I want my opponent to come clean and quit distorting my record. John McCain loves children. John McCain loves big green monsters. (McCain looks agitated and starts sweating. A pen appears from nowhere in his crippled hand.) I’m John McCain, and John McCain knows what’s best for America!
OBAMA: I’ve also come to learn my opponent would restrict the scaring to green monsters, excluding monsters of color. His racist policies don’t represent America. He’s even arranged to have my former opponent, Senator Clinton, to jump out and scare children in the middle of the night. If McCain is elected, when you hear the phone ring at 3 am it’ll be your kids calling to say scary old Hillary just jumped out of their closet and made them pee their pants. That’s not the America I want to live in. THAT’S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN!
(Wild applause and cheers. Camera pans to slug-like monster with caption “Senator Clinton, lesbian monster activist.”)
CANDY: (covers the microphone and whispers loudly to Obama) Messiah…I mean Senator, we’re not supposed to label Senator McCain a racists unless he pulls ahead in the polls.
OBAMA: (smiles sheepishly) oh...right, I forgot.
MCCAIN: (waving pen in bad hand and screaming almost incoherently) I’m John McCain! John McCain won’t have his record misrepresented! John McCain knows how to work with the democrats to fix gridlock! (Suddenly, McCain’s head splits open and his skin falls to the floor. Bob Dole emerges.)
DOLE: I’m Bob Dole and its Bob Dole’s turn to be president! Bob Dole knows what’s best for America!
CANDY: (shocked) Ahh…uhhh…we’ll be right back.
OBAMA: Before we break for commercial I’d like to thank Bob Dole for his service to our country in World War II.
(The flashy CNN “Decision 2008” logo appears once again with still-very- serious theme song, followed by a Viagra commercial.)